Yesterday was the marriage reception of a hospital colleague. I usually
am averse to attending any kind of social gathering especially if it comprises
of people who know me on a day-to-day basis. If asked, I often run short of a
logical explanation for my affliction but this has been the thing with me ever
since I entered senior secondary classes.
As a child I remember being more of a daring type. Although not very much
into easy mix-ups, nor was I ever the heart of the party but, still I had the
inclination to attend any invitation whenever any such prospect came my way. I
remember, everytime there would be a social gathering in the form of a birthday
party, dinner parties during New Year’s Eve, the gatherings at puja ceremonies
especially during durga puja when I would dress myself up in the best cloths
and be ready for the outing. The wintery weather, mother putting me into a
newly hand woven sweater, the warmth of the room heater at the corner while the
chilly winds outside in the Himalayan climate of Arunachal Pradesh and still, I
usually loved the outdoors.
Although I was usually reluctant to participate in any group activities
like a play, drama or any games etc., I enjoyed my presence at the venue and
observing what everyone else was doing.
I was always the observant type and I developed the habit of watching
people from a safe distance rather early in life.
But all of it gradually changed as puberty knocked. I cannot say what
exactly happened but, over time as the libidogenic hormones had their effects,
I was amazed at how my entirety responded to new thoughts, dreams and interests.
I was preoccupied with myself. I would spend hours exploring my body. It seemed
like a new awakening. The thoughts that had never come before; viewing a romantic
scene from the same old movie in an entirely different angle; TV shows which I would
turn on innocently in front of parents
even a year back made me shy and blush if ever such a scene propped up on
scrolling through the cable channels; thinking about a beautiful teacher in
school – rather thinking dirty and then feeling ashamed of the thoughts
especially if ever the eyes met the Goddess Saraswati perched on the self above
my bookstand next to my bed as if to look over my studies. Often being self
conscious of my own dirty thoughts running in my head I would turn myself away
from the Goddess and be lost in my thoughts for hours lying prone on my bed
with a book before my eyes and the mind wandering what it might be below the
cloths of the young and beautiful English teacher.
Mother’s are sly creatures. They know it! The idol of the Goddess was
always there behind my head and after hours of brooding over imaginative
situations, all of a sudden mother would turn up asking what was I doing. And –
how many times have I told you not to lie
down but to sit and study; but no, you just never listen. Common! Sit up
straight. Turn towards the light. You’ll damage your eyes if you continue doing
this. Reluctantly as I’d turn towards the light and sit, there would be
this goddess Saraswati staring at me with pinching glare saying – all shit you think of, shame on you, if only
people knew what runs in your mind! And afraid of the thought I’d rush back
into the book. I remember spending hours at the shower. Mornings on a holiday,
there would always be my mother screaming at the door –are going to drain out all the water? It’s been an hour. How long does
it take to get a shower? What are you doing inside? Come out NOW.
Those days we didn’t have easy access to the internet as guys have it
these days. I was rather a shy guy mostly keeping to myself and having
practically no one in the neighborhood of my own age to share my thoughts and
all the changes that I was going through, over time I became my own best
friend. I loved to pleasure myself.
My father had a transferable job and I changed a lot of schools. At secondary
level, there was this one girl I had a fight with in class once. But then, over
time we became friends. Seemed, our surrounding situations mimicked each other’s
and somewhere – we both were physically of the same inquisitive nature. We connected.
And it was this only one person in the world with whom I shared every change
that I was passing through. I was a guy and she was a girl, but it didn’t matter.
She would be amazed on hearing what happened to boys when they got aroused. She
told me of her feelings and her experiences; about her menarche – I was amazed.
In my school days however society was not so open minded as we two were,
especially not the school mates with whom I studied, leave aside the teachers
many of whom were of the purported golden old world (I have many times wondered what it was actually and if ever it existed
in reality) who tried to impose their own square thought process into our
minds. I wanted to revolt against all of them, but I didn’t have the courage and
of support from anyone. Many saw the closeness that I had developed with her as
a dirty intent and I was criminalized because instead of going out and playing with
the guys I loved spending time with her. Initially I argued and I was never
good at games and sports either way and over time I sobered up ignoring
everyone else.
After class 10th exams, we had a school-break of around three
months. So our regular meetups stopped as we lived far away from each other and
when it was time to join class 11th, she was shifted to a different
school. There was practically no one left with whom I could open up. To everyone
else I was a rather an introvert, studious and strange kid. And the thing has
been like that ever since. I loved reading – novels, history, botany,
astronomy. Books were in abundance in the school library and I took to them
because there was no other way for me to work my brain. I could never connect
with my peer group except for that one person as my thought process was often
different from everyone else’s and I could never force myself to act in a
manner like everyone else in the peer group did. I was unique. I was simply – ME.
Over the years, I have grown fond of this ME and love spending time with
myself whenever I can. I love my ME- time. And as I joined the med-school, the
pressure of studies and then higher studies kept pushing me onward to a journey
of self identification and realization. The long hours in hospital, daily
chores and after that, whatever time was left I loved to spend it with myself. Over
time I have developed an antipathy towards attending public functions,
invitations etc. I feel this is not right, but it feels awkward for me to go
out and keep a smiling face all the time and keep pretending niceties even if I
don’t want to. Over time, I attend less and it’s only on a very few and select cases
that I actually force myself to attend an invitation.
One such was yester-evening’s marriage reception of a colleague. And soon
as we sat down to dine, people asked me when my turn at throwing a marriage
reception was and I wondered what it would be like and how I’ll survive it. Confessions
of a loner romantic …
